Banana Bread Blam!

November 27, 2012 § 6 Comments

So, Thanksgiving is done. How was yours? Oh, you had turkey? And your grandpa said something racist? NEAT!

Anyway, that’s over, and now a month of rampant consumerism and cold winds and awful music about wanting snow and then we get snow and everyone all, SNOW SUCKS IT TOOK ME TWICE AS LONG TO GET TO WORK TODAY.

But look, at least it’s baking weather, amirite? After Thanksgiving, we had some ripened bananas hanging around, because who the shit eats bananas on Thanksgiving. So, I thought, “I’ll make some banana bread, and I’ll put some mother fucking streusel on it.” Because if I had my way, there’d be streusel over everything.


What You’ll Need How Much
ripened bananas 4
sugar 3/4 c
vegetable oil 3/4 c
eggs 2
vanilla 2 t
flour, all-purpose or whole grain 2 c
baking soda 1 t
baking powder 1/2 t
salt 1/2 t
For the streusel topping
dark brown sugar (make your own!) 3 T
sugar 3 T
flour, all-purpose 1/2 c
cold butter, unsalted 5 T

What You’ll Do

1) I know it’s been awhile, but you all remember me raising hell about getting together your mise en place (see the Glossary if you don’t know French) before you start cooking, yeah? Well, do it.

2) Then, preheat your oven to 325 degrees, and make ready for the goods by lubing up a 9″x5″ loaf pan with some butter or vegetable oil. Use the old school aluminum if you know what’s good for you. Non-stick bakeware is for dummies who like to burn their shit.

3) Now it’s time to get down with the get-down. We’re going to make the streusel. In a medium bowl, combine the 1/2c flour, and 3T each of brown and white sugar. Toss it all together good. Then, cut the butter into it with a pastry cutter until it looks like delicious pea gravel. Like so. Then, set aside in a cool place.


4) Now for the main attraction: in a large bowl, add the sugar and the bananas, and mash the holy goodness out of them. Use a wooden spoon, ya puss. Leave the Kitchen Aid alone for this one.

5) Add the wet ingredients, which is the vegetable oil, vanilla, and eggs, you know, if you’re stupid and don’t know what “wet” means. Stir it all up good, until the oil is well incorporated into the mashed ‘nanners.

6) In another bowl, combine the dry goods: flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Then, dump it all at once into the large bowl of ‘nanner-mixture.

7) Stir this until just incorporated. Stir gently. If you stir too much, even with a wooden spoon, you’ll get the glutens all worked into a tizzy, and you don’t want that. The less tizzied the glutens, the more kick ass the ‘nanner bread.

8) Pour the batter into the greased loaf pan, and dump all that streussely wonderbutter on top.

9) Bake for 50-60 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

10) Wait. WAIT! Let it cool about 20-30 minutes in the pan. Use a knife to cut around the edges, and dump it out on to a cutting board.

11) Now, cut’chu off a slice, and put it in your face. Blam.


Buttermilk Coffee Cake

June 21, 2012 § 6 Comments

I’ve recently made a pact with myself to only eat 2 heavy desserts a week. Heavy desserts qualifies as ice cream, cake, brownies, etc. You know. Stuff that’ll stretch your belt buckle. Fruit and granola and stuff like that is fair game.

This coffee cake.

This coffee cake is not fair game. I’m warning you. But, I’ll follow that disclaimer with, “But it’s fucking delicious.”

I mean. How could it not be? It’s sugar and butter and cinnamon and flour. You could take a shit on this coffee cake, and it’d only serve as a topping. It’s that good. And moist. Not like other coffee/crumb cakes that kind of crumble into a dry mess of powder. This is not that kind of cake. This has 2 sticks of butter in it. I mean. Come on.

What You’ll Need How Much
all-purpose flour 3 c
brown sugar (make your own!) 2 c
butter 2 c
baking powder 2 t
baking soda 1/2 t
ground cinnamon 1 1/2 t
ground nutmeg 1/2 t
eggs, beaten 2
buttermilk 1 1/2 c

What You’ll Do

1) Preheat the oven to 350 F. Grease the bottom and sides of a 13″ x 9″ aluminum baking pan.

2) In a large bowl, use a fork to mix the flour, brown sugar, and salt.

3) Use a pastry cutter to cut in the butter (You let it come to room temperature, right? No? Well, go here for a protip on how to soften the butter without microwaving it.) until it resembles coarse crumbs. Set aside 1 cup of the crumb mixture.

4) Stir the baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg into the remaining crumb mixture.

5) In another bowl, combine the beaten eggs and buttermilk.

6) Add the egg mixture to the crumb mixture all at one time until just incorporated. Don’t overwork that shit. You’ll stiffen the glutens, and no one wants stiff glutens in their cake. No one.

7) Spoon the batter into the greased pan. Remember that cup of crumb mixture we set aside? Grab that and give the batter a good, even dusting with that goodness.

8) Toss that in the oven and let it go for 35-40 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean from the middle.

9) Serve that shit warm out of the oven. Serve it with coffee.

10) You heard me. Put it in your face!

Did Deez Call Last Night: Candied Walnuts

April 26, 2012 § 8 Comments

It’s going to be so hard not to giggle like a middle schooler throughout this entire post. I’m going to do my best to refrain from the obvious jokes, but I make no promises. Sometimes I can’t help myself.

Do you remember the salmonella peanut butter outbreak a few years ago? I remember, I was driving home from work one day during that whole news cycle. NPR was doing a piece on it, and the reporter used the phrase, “tainted nuts” at least a dozen times. I think I peed a little. I was laughing so hard. It was stupid and immature and completely wonderful.

That summer/fall of the tainted nuts I was moonlighting as a wedding bartender at a resort just outside Indy. The chef at the resort, Lois, made batches of these candied walnuts and kept them on hand in the kitchen, and I swear I ate at least 2 gallons of them over the course of that summer.

Here we go.

What You’ll Need How Much
shelled walnuts 1 lb.
egg whites 2-3
brown sugar 2 c
cinnamon (optional) 1 t

What You’ll Do

1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease two 9″x13″ aluminum baking pans.

2) In a large bowl, whisk egg whites until white and frothy, like so.

3) Stir the brown sugar and cinnamon into the frothy egg whites until well incorporated.

4) Fold the nuts into the candy mix. (I recognize as a man the phrase “fold the nuts” is inherently painful.)

5) Pour the nuts into the two baking pans, and spread evenly.

6) Bake for approximately 15 minutes, or until the nut mixture is a light golden brown.

Golden brown nuts.

7) Remove to cooling racks, and allow to cool completely. The candied mixture will become brittle enough to crumble into clumps of nutty goodness.

8) And, the moment we’ve all be waiting for: put deez nuts in your face!

Makes a little over 1 lb. of nuts.

Store them in canisters, or go to Whole Foods and ask where they keep their nut sacks, usually in the bulk section. This is a type of sack specifically made to keep nuts at the perfect temperature and humidity for optimal shelf life and taste.

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